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(0:00 - 3:04)
This is Goals in Grace with Certified High Performance Coach, Rev. Dr. Juliet Spencer. One practical framework and a faith truth to cut overwhelm and claim your calling. Ready to lead with love, not depletion? Let's go.
Today, we're going straight in. So the next time you're standing at the refrigerator contemplating one of life's many dilemmas, here's one that tugs the heart. Truth versus loyalty.
Do I say what's real? What's really on my heart? What's really in my mind? How I'm feeling? What I'm thinking about? Do I say what's real and risk somehow making the other person upset or risk fracturing the relationship? Or do I just keep my mouth shut so that everything is peaceful? Well, here is a great opportunity to start with scripture. Proverbs chapter three, verses three and four says, let love and faithfulness never leave you. Let love and faithfulness never leave you.
And I really like this because it speaks of love and faithfulness, not one or the other. In other words, they're not rivals. I kind of like to think of them as traveling companions.
We can also speak what's on our minds. We can be honest and open and real, and we can keep peace. They're not necessarily mutually exclusive.
If you're like me, when you're in the middle of something and you think, oh my gosh, this person whom I care about, whether it's a coworker or a spouse or a child or just anybody, this person I care about is going to be upset. They're going to get angry. They're not going to like what I have to say.
And even if they don't say anything back, it's going to create some kind of a schism in the relationship. And so what ends up happening is we end up keeping our mouth shut for the sake of peace. And then what happens? Resentment.
And I'll tell you something else. The people I'm closest to can tell in a heartbeat. They know when I'm saying something just to keep the peace, or at least they suspect it.
And even the people who don't know me really well, most of us, don't we have the capacity to tell when there's a tension, when there's something that has shifted in the dynamic, in the relationship, and maybe we can't even put our finger on it, but we know it's there. So like I say, many times, and I myself have been guilty of this more times than I can count, rather than addressing what's really going on, rather than finding a helpful and courageous way to speak my truth and also to be open-minded to the fact that my perspective might not be accurate. I'll just keep my mouth shut.
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And then down the road, I will have created a bigger problem. And that's one of the reasons I love this proverb, even though it might not sound like it's speaking directly to the topic today, in a way it really is love and faithfulness. And so truth and loyalty don't have to be at odds.
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Now, let me just caution and say that I know a number of people when they hear, oh, I'm just, I need to speak the truth to somebody. I need to be in a relationship where I can speak the truth. Sometimes they really use that as an excuse to say something that is mean-spirited, or they assume that if it's their opinion, if it's how they feel, then it's an absolute truth that the other person just needs to suck it up and hear what is.
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Instead of recognizing that, no, something can be truthful for me and then still be not truthful for somebody else. Am I just muddying the waters? I probably am. But the point I'm trying to make is that truth is not a weapon.
It is not a weapon. We can't hide behind, well, I'm just speaking the truth. For example, I had a coworker who when asked, hey, don't you love Juliet's new haircut? Who just said, no, I don't know why she would have cut it.
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It looks ridiculous. Now, fortunately I was mature enough at that point that I just laughed it off and it absolutely did not hurt my feelings. But that is not always the case.
And honestly, years earlier would not have been the case. But her comment, I am convinced, really had very little to do with the haircut. So she was using what she described as truth, really as a passive aggressive weapon.
And that is absolutely not the direction we want to go in. So truth isn't a weapon and loyalty isn't a muzzle. The apostle Paul says that our standard is speaking the truth in love.
That's in Ephesians chapter four, verse 15, speaking the truth in love. And that means no hiding a harsh opinion behind the badge of truth and no disguising fear as loyalty. Let me just say that again.
That means no hiding a harsh opinion behind the badge of truth and no disguising fear as loyalty. An opinion stated loudly is still an opinion. And humility says, from my view, or in my experience, because as again, apostle Paul says, we see in a mirror dimly.
We don't get to see things from God's perspective. We don't have absolute truths like that. Early in my ministry, I worked for a leader so afraid of conflict that we never named what was breaking trust in our staff and what was also impacting the congregation.
So I asked my boss for a conversation, not to accuse him, but to try and repair what was going on. And he completely refused to engage. After he basically shut down the conversation before it really got started.
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I drove home later that day with such a heavy ache in my heart. And it made such an impression upon me that I made a vow. And I said, when I lead, when I am in a position of leadership, then I will not let my discomfort block the truth that the staff or the congregation needs in order to heal.
I am not going to allow my anxiety over conflict set us up so that the least healthy among us ultimately end up leading. By abdicating his authority as leader out of anxiety for confrontation or anxiety for speaking the truth in love, he turned the reins over to the least healthy person on the staff. So I just made a vow.
I will not do that. Even if I don't sleep the entire night before, and I have to drink a bottle of Pepto Bismol before I can open my mouth, by golly, I will not let my anxiety dictate what needs to be done. At first, courageous conversations were clumsy.
When I became my own pastor, if you will, when I stepped into more leadership positions, courageous conversations were clumsy. My stomach flipped before every meeting, but as my skills grew, my comfort grew. I learned to pray first, to check my intent, to own my perspective, and then to speak the truth in love.
I said things like, I care about you and I care about this team. Here's what I'm noticing. Here's what I need so that we can all trust one another and breathe again.
Over time, something beautiful happened. People knew that I would tell them the truth and that I would listen to it too. I used to say to the people who worked for me, if I don't tell you when I notice something that is unhelpful, if I don't tell you when you have fallen short, then why would you believe me when I brag about you, which I so often do? When I tell you all the amazing things that you accomplish and the wonderful ways in which you live your faith out loud, why would you believe me if I'm not also honest with you about the areas where you can improve? They also trusted that they could say the same to me.
Loyalty didn't mean pretending. It meant protecting something that was good, protecting it with clarity and with care. Trust rose and the staff stayed.
Real friendships formed. You know, that season changed my standards for leadership. It also taught me this.
Truth without love will wound and loyalty without truth will rot. But when you pair honest words with a humble heart, then people will heal. Teams will bond together.
Families will learn to trust and respect one another. In my case, congregations would breathe easier and relationships were given space to mature. So before we speak, we pray.
I love Psalm 139 verse 23. Search me, O God, and know my heart. Search me, O God, and know my heart.
And then we check our posture. Is it my intent to love? Or is this really an excuse to land a blow? Am I owning my perspective or am I declaring it as fact? Will these words help repair trust or will it just score points? Courage does matter, but it needs to be responsible courage, or as one friend put it, holy courage. Be strong and courageous.
I love it. That comes from Joshua chapter one. Be strong and courageous.
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It includes strength to be clear without being cruel. So when it's time to talk, anchor truth to care. So you might say something like, I love you and I want us to be strong, but here's what felt off to me.
And here's what I need so that trust can breathe again. And I think it's also really important unless something so egregious has happened that has completely decimated trust. And believe me, I am aware that those things happen.
But so often we get into trouble when it's not those super horrible situations. It's those little things that erode trust over time. It's really important to be able to kind of remind whoever I'm talking to that there is a perspective here.
This is not a make or break moment. I'm not saying that what you did is so egregious that I will never trust you again unless. Because who wants to live that way all the time? That wouldn't develop trust.
That would just erode confidence in me. But instead to be able to say, these are the things that I'm so grateful for about you. And these are the things that I see that you do incredibly well.
Here's what I also need to tell you. Here's where I'm struggling or I need you to understand where I'm coming from on this. And then I also need you to help me help you.
That's truth in the service of relationship. It's loyalty to the highest good and not to dysfunction. Remember the great commands of Jesus.
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Love God. Love your neighbor as yourself. That love refuses to lie in order to keep comfort.
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And it also refuses to lash out in order to feel powerful. So as far as it depends on you, as Paul wrote, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Now the temptation is to assume again that peace is pretending.
It's avoiding the hard conversations. But that is most certainly not what the Apostle Paul has in mind. Peace isn't pretending.
It's clarity wrapped in compassion. It's accountability wrapped in grace. You can be clear without being cruel and you can be loyal without being lost.
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My friend, if this stirred something in you, I hope you'll take 60 seconds today to practice truth with care. Pray Psalm 139 verse 23 and write one honest sentence you need to say. Then share it with humility.
And if you want support having that conversation, grab my free One Clear Win by Noon Guide and book a free clarity call with me. Let's build truth, build loyal relationships and healthier teams, healthier families together. May your words be strong enough to be trusted and gentle enough to be received.
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And may God bless you with goals and grace.
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