(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)
(0:00 - 2:36)
You can have a clear goal. You can know exactly who you want to become. You can build a calendar that reflects your priorities.
You can protect your energy. And you can still talk yourself out of the very thing you said that mattered. Am I talking to anybody but myself today? There is one person who knows every one of your excuses.
One person who knows exactly which argument will convince you to lower the standard. One person who can make procrastination sound remarkably reasonable. You.
And that is why today we're talking about accountability. Not somebody checking up on you like you're 12 and forgot to do your homework. And certainly, not shame.
We're talking about courageous support. Choosing people who care enough about you and your future to tell you the truth. Because if you're serious about the decisions you've made this late summer reset, eventually somebody besides you needs to know what you've decided.
Welcome to Goals and Grace. I'm certified high performance coach, Rev. Dr. Juliet Spencer, and I'm known as the Decision Architect because I equip people to build the decisions, habits, and structures that make it easier to live the life they choose. And this is Episode 49 of our Late Summer Reset, From Clarity to Commitment.
Over the past few episodes, we've been doing something intentional. We've gotten really clear about what matters. We've looked at the decisions that need to be made, and we've begun moving those decisions out of the land of good intentions and into actual structures.
Last time, we talked about architecting your calendar and your energy. Because if something matters, eventually it has to occupy space in your real life. Today, we're going to go one step further.
We're asking, who gets to know what we've decided? And maybe more importantly, who has earned the right to challenge you when your behavior stops matching that decision? Here's what I'd love for you to understand. Not everyone who loves you is qualified to hold you accountable. Let's say that again.
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Not everyone who loves you is qualified to hold you accountable. Some people love you deeply and will happily help you lower the bar. You say, I really need to get back to exercising.
And they say, well, you've been so busy. Why don't you give yourself a break? You say, I've decided I'm finally going to write the proposal. And they say, now don't put too much pressure on yourself.
(3:10 - 3:37)
You say, I need to have this really hard conversation. And they say, well, why stir things up? You get the idea. They love you.
They're just not necessarily good accountability partners. Because a good accountability partner doesn't simply protect you from discomfort. A good accountability partner helps you remember what you said mattered when discomfort arrives.
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Now that is a big difference. I think some of us resist accountability because we've experienced unhealthy versions of it. And to us, there is an automatic assumption that accountability is about control.
But it doesn't have to be. Accountability can sound like somebody standing over you with a clipboard saying, did you do it? How many times? Well, why didn't you? What's your excuse? No, thank you. That's not the kind of accountability I'm talking about.
Healthy accountability isn't about somebody else taking responsibility for your life. You still own the decision and the work. You also still own the consequences.
Accountability simply means that you've invited another person to help you stay honest about the gap between your intentions and your actions. And that takes courage. Once you tell someone what you've decided, you lose a little bit of your ability to quietly rewrite the story later, don't you? You know what I mean.
Oh, no, I didn't really say I was going to start this month. I meant I would do it when things calmed down. Oh, I've reconsidered.
Mm-hmm. Once you tell somebody, it's a whole lot harder to rewrite that story, isn't it? Well, scripture can help with this, believe it or not. Ecclesiastes chapter four says, two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toil.
For if they fall, one will lift the other up. I love that image. I love it because first of all, it acknowledges that we fall.
It doesn't assume that the norm is not to fall. We fall. We mess up.
We have great intentions sometimes and very limited follow through. The scripture also says that when you have somebody who can pick you up, not take over, not assume responsibility for you, but when you have somebody who can gently hold you accountable and also encourage you by literally helping you stand, at least in the metaphor. Powerful thing.
And so if you're tempted not to get an accountability partner, I strongly encourage you to change your mind. In fact, I'm in several online groups and we made a decision right from the get-go at the instructor's suggestion that we have an accountability partner. In every single case, my accountability partner has been someone I didn't even know, but we held each other accountable in the best possible way and encouraged each other so that we weren't as tempted not to follow through.
So who should you choose? Well, this is where I want to challenge you. We tend to choose accountability partner based on closeness. A spouse, our best friend, our sister or colleague, but closeness isn't the only qualification.
As I mentioned, sometimes the person closest to you is the wrong person. I learned very early in my marriage to husband that we function better in the role of encourager and let somebody else be the one who holds accountable. That just seems to work better for us.
I know other married people who have a totally different experience, but that's just ours. So being in close proximity or in having a close personal relationship doesn't necessarily make them the right person to ask. So these are four questions that will help you identify your accountability partner.
Number one, does this person respect the future I'm trying to build? They don't have to want the same thing that you want and they certainly don't have to understand every detail. They don't even have to understand very many details, but they do have to behave in a way in which they do not undermine you. If you're trying to build a business, don't choose the person who thinks that your business is silly.
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If you're working on healthier boundaries, don't choose the person who benefits most when you don't have any. And if you're trying to become more courageous, don't choose someone whose first response is to say, ooh, that sounds scary. Choose someone who respects what you're doing.
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Number two, can this person tell me the truth? Now this one really matters. You don't need a yes person. You need an accountability partner who is not afraid to disappoint you.
You need someone who is willing to say, you know, you told me this mattered. What's really going on? Or, you know, based on what you told me is really important to you, this kind of sounds like an excuse. Or even, I think you're playing small.
And here's the uncomfortable part. If you only want accountability from people who will agree with you, you don't want accountability. You want an audience and there's a difference.
Number three, can this person offer grace without offering escape? This just might be the most important qualification because grace and lowered standards are not the same thing. Grace says, you missed it. You're still loved.
Now what's the next right step? Escape says, you missed it. Obviously this isn't the right season. Forget the whole thing.
(10:09 - 10:18)
Grace restores. Escape excuses. The right person will know the difference between those two.
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And as Christians, we should know that difference particularly well, because God's grace doesn't require perfection before we are loved. But grace also doesn't call us to remain exactly where we are. Grace gives us room to repent, to recover, to learn, and to move forward all under the cocoon of love.
That's the kind of accountability relationship we're trying to build. And fourth, is this person willing to ask me the second question? Here's what I mean. You say, I didn't get it done.
The first question might be, what happened? But the second question is, so what are you going to do now? That's the question that has the potential to change everything. Accountability shouldn't become an endless analysis of why we didn't do something. Eventually we just have to make another decision.
What happens now? When will you do it? What needs to change? What will protect you differently? What conversation do you need to have? What's the next move? That's where accountability becomes powerful. By the way, you don't need to build a committee. I know some of you are already thinking, oh, this sounds like I need an accountability group.
Maybe, but probably not. You don't need seven people receiving weekly reports as though you're at a board meeting. For most goals, one person is enough, maybe two.
So choose intentionally and be specific about what you're asking them to do. Don't say, will you hold me accountable? Because that's just unhelpful and incredibly vague. They would be thinking, hold you accountable to what? Instead say, I've decided that I'm going to finish the first draft by August 31st.
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Would you text me every Friday and ask whether I completed the work I scheduled that week? Or you might say, I'm working on protecting my mornings. Would you ask me next Wednesday, whether I kept the boundary I said I would keep? Or maybe another one. I've decided to have this conversation by Friday.
Can I text you afterward and tell you that I've done it? That is accountability. That is holding yourself to a specific decision, a specific action and a specific check-in. Now, sometimes you do need more than accountability because there's the other side to this and that's encouragement and support, especially courageous support.
Sometimes you don't need someone asking, did you do it? Sometimes you need someone reminding you, you can do it. And those are two very different roles, which as I said, is why frequently husband and I occupy that role. And then we get somebody else to function as the accountability partner.
There are also different roles at different seasons. There are seasons when the obstacle isn't discipline, it's courage. Let's say you're applying for the position that you've always wanted or any position for that matter.
Or maybe you're launching something new or setting a boundary. Maybe you're ending something that no longer fits or finally getting the courage to speak up. Maybe you're ready to try again after a perceived failure or walking into a room where you feel completely out of place.
In those moments, courageous support may sound like, call me before you go and I'll pray with you or text me when you send it. Or if you start talking yourself out of this, call me first. We can't underestimate how powerful these relationships are.
The apostle Paul certainly didn't. If you read his letters, you'll notice how often he names people. Timothy, Silas, Priscilla and Aquila, Epaphroditus, Barnabas, Lydia.
Paul had an extraordinary calling, but he didn't pretend he could fulfill it alone. Neither should we. Christian faith has never been designed as a solo project.
(15:05 - 15:22)
We're formed in community and we are encouraged in community. We also become corrected in community and thankfully comforted in community as well. And sometimes we borrow courage from community.
(15:23 - 15:37)
Sometimes someone else believes with us until we can believe again for ourselves. But here's the hard part. If you want courageous support, you have to be willing to be known.
(15:37 - 16:24)
You have to tell someone what you're actually trying to do. And that's a lot harder than it sounds. As long as the goal stays private, so does the possibility of failure.
Nobody knows you didn't do it. Nobody knows you quit because you got scared. Nobody knows that you never even started.
Keeping the decision private can feel safer. But safety isn't the goal. Faithfulness is.
Integrity is. Knowing that when you've said you are going to do something, you can trust yourself to keep the promise you made to yourself. And some decisions become more powerful the moment we say them out loud.
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I've decided I'm going to. I know I've been talking about this for years, but now I'm going to. You know, I'm scared, but I've decided.
Those are courageous sentences, my friend. And maybe one of them needs to come out of your mouth this week. Or mine.
So here's your assignment before the next and last episode of our Late Summer Reset. Look at the decision you've been working on throughout the reset. Look at what you said matters.
Look at the calendar you've been building around it. And then identify one person. And remember, it doesn't necessarily need to be the easiest person or the closest person, but the right person.
Someone who respects the future you're building, who can tell you the truth, and who will offer grace without giving an escape hatch. Someone who's willing to ask the second question, what are you going to do now? And then contact them. Don't overcomplicate it.
For example, you could say, I've made a decision about something that's really important to me, and I don't want to quietly negotiate my way out of it. Would you be willing to check in with me once a week for the next month? That's it. And if asking feels uncomfortable, then that's probably a good thing, because it means you're probably exactly where you need to be.
This is a growing edge. And courageous support requires courage on both sides. Courage to challenge and courage to be challenged.
But before you go, we've spent weeks moving from clarity toward commitment. We've identified what matters. We've made decisions.
We've begun building our time and energy around those decisions. And now we've invited someone else into the process. Well, there's one final step.
Eventually, preparation has to become a declaration. And so, in the final episode of our Late Summer Reset, we're going to declare what we're carrying into September, celebrate what has already changed, and we're going to make the commitment that turns this reset into a new way of living. We are not limping into September, my friends, hoping things will somehow be different.
We are going to decide, and we're going to name it, and we're going to move. Until then, remember, everyone deserves a good decision, and the quality of your decisions will never consistently rise above the clarity of your identity. And your identity is rooted in the love of God.
I'm Rev. Dr. Juliet Spencer, your decision architect. So go make the decision, and then be courageous enough to let someone help you keep it. I'll see you next time on Goals & Grace.
(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)
