(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)
(0:00 - 0:27)
You know you're the reliable one when people start a conversation with, I know you're busy, but... That is rarely followed by, so I decided not to ask you anything. Oh no. It's usually, I know you're busy, but could you take a look at this? I know you're busy, but could you handle this? I know you're busy, but I didn't know who else to call.
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And my personal favorite, this will only take a minute. It will not. Beloved, it will not take a minute.
It has never taken a minute. There is probably a meeting attached to that minute and a follow-up email and possibly a Google Doc. Welcome to adulthood.
Apparently, somewhere along the way, being competent became the equivalent of hanging a sign around your neck that says, available for additional responsibilities. And if you're really good at what you do, congratulations, everyone has noticed. Welcome to Goals and Grace.
I'm Rev. Dr. Juliet Spencer, the Spirit-Led Strategist, and I equip high-performing people to get out of their way, reconnect with the inner guidance they already have, and to perform at the level they know they're capable of, even when they don't want to admit it, without sacrificing the life they're working so hard to build. We're continuing our series, You're the Adult, but it didn't come with instructions. Unfortunately, my friends, nobody handed you the manual for managing the career, the family, the relationships, the expectations, the responsibilities, your faith, your health, the house, the calendar, the texts you forgot to answer, and whatever that warning light on the dashboard means.
Last week, we talked about the pressure to know what to do. We also talked about the difference between wisdom and certainty. And I gave you three questions to help separate what you know, what you fear, and what matters most, so that instead of waiting for perfect certainty, you can identify the next wisest step.
Today, I'm going to talk about what happens when you become the person everybody trusts to take that next step, and the next one, and the next one, until one day you look around and realize, somehow, everybody else's next step has become yours, too. There's an old workplace joke that says, the reward for doing good work is more work. It's funny because there's just enough truth in it to hurt.
You solved the problem, so the next problem comes to you. You remember the details, so people stop remembering them because they know you will. You anticipate what needs to happen, so eventually anticipation becomes part of your unofficial job description.
You're good in a crisis, so guess who gets called when there's a crisis. Or, you're calm under pressure, you're responsible, you care, you follow through, and you don't want people to be disappointed. And because you're capable of carrying a lot, people gradually begin to assume that you will carry a lot.
Most of the time, there's nothing malicious about this, and I think that's an important distinction to make. I don't want us walking away from this episode suspicious of everybody who asks us for something. Often, people ask you because they really do trust you, they respect you, and they know you'll follow through.
Being trusted is a gift, and being dependable is a strength. But there's a point where a strength that is not stewarded becomes a liability. There's an enormous difference between being reliable and being perpetually available.
I find that a lot of high-capacity people have confused those two. So think about your kitchen counter for a minute. I don't know how this happens, but almost every house has one surface that becomes the place where things go when nobody knows where else to put them.
The mail goes there, the keys go there, the school paper goes there, the receipt you might need someday goes there, somebody's sunglasses or a charger that apparently belongs to no known electronic device, a coupon that expired three months ago, or if you're like me, a screw that somebody found on the floor and is afraid to throw away because surely it came out of something important. But here's the interesting thing. Nobody gathers the family together and says from this day forward we have decided that this counter will bear all the weight of all the objects for which we have no immediate plan.
It just happens, doesn't it? One thing gets there, then another, and then another, and before long that flat surface has become the default destination for everything that doesn't have another home. This is what happens to reliable people. You become the human kitchen counter.
Nobody necessarily decided it, including you. One responsibility landed there, and then another, and then another, and you handled them, so another came. And eventually anything without an obvious owner or an obvious capable owner gets set down on your life, and because you handle it, you handle it until there's no room left to prepare the meal.
(6:24 - 7:45)
And that's the problem. The counter isn't bad, and the things sitting on it aren't necessarily bad, but the counter has a purpose, and when it becomes the storage place for everything else, it can no longer fulfill the purpose for which it was designed. Well, some of you are living like that counter.
Your life is so covered with other people's expectations, unfinished tasks, requests, responsibilities, and their needs that you have almost no clear space left for the things that matter most to you, and then you wonder why you're so scattered, or tired, or spiritually dry, maybe strangely resentful towards the people you love, or if not resentful, maybe you become a little more snappish to the people you love, and maybe you don't need a better organizational system. Maybe you need to clean the counter. There's a phrase I want to give you today that we've used before.
Responsibility creep. Responsibility creep is what happens when something that began as an occasional favor slowly becomes an expectation. You offered to help once, now it's your job.
(7:46 - 8:07)
You answered the phone after hours a few times, now you're always reachable. You fixed the problem, now you own the problem. You organized the holiday gathering for your big family three years ago, and congratulations, apparently you are now the executive director of Thanksgiving and Christmas.
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Nobody appointed you, there was no vote, there clearly is no salary, but somehow everyone is waiting for your spreadsheet, because responsibility creep rarely announces itself. It happens one small yes at a time, and here's where this gets especially complicated for people of faith. We've been taught, and rightfully so, to be of service, to care, and be generous, and to notice the person who needs help.
Jesus teaches us to love our neighbor, and scripture repeatedly calls us toward compassion, generosity, hospitality, and service. I have preached on those values many, many times, and they're definitely not values that I want us to abandon, but let's get real for a moment. Sometimes we have taken those beautiful teachings and added something that Jesus never said.
If someone needs something and you're capable of providing it, you should. Jesus didn't say that. Jesus doesn't say every person who asks you for a favor, you are obligated to respond.
Jesus doesn't say everybody who didn't take care of their own responsibilities, who didn't do their own work, who waited until the last minute and now is on an emergency, all hands on deck, expecting you to come to the rescue, does not obligate you to comply. Your ability is not automatically your responsibility. In other words, a need does not automatically create an obligation, and let's just call a thing a thing.
Somebody needing you does not automatically mean it is wise or even appropriate for you to meet the need. Let me say that again. Just because someone needs you to do them a favor doesn't mean it is wise or appropriate for you to be the one who meets the need.
(10:30 - 11:23)
Sometimes that can almost feel scandalous, can't it? Especially for people who have built an identity around being helpful, and being helpful matters. But if every need becomes your responsibility, then eventually the things that matter most to you get whatever energy remains. There's this marvelous story in Exodus chapter 18.
Now, for those of you who might be new to the study of scripture, Exodus is a book of the Bible in what Christians call the Old Testament. Exodus chapter 18. And I love it because I think it speaks directly to those of us who are accustomed to being the reliable person, the capable one, the fixer.
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Well, Moses is leading the Israelite people, and the Israelites are those who will later be called Jews. So Moses is leading the Israelites, and people are coming to him all day long with their problems. And Moses is helping them.
He isn't wasting his time. He isn't doing something selfish, and he's not avoiding his responsibilities. In fact, he's doing really good work.
(11:56 - 16:05)
People have legitimate problems, so Moses helps them. But his father-in-law, Jethro, watches this happening. And Jethro sees something that Moses apparently does not.
And so Jethro says to his son-in-law, what you're doing is not good. I love that directness. What you're doing is not good.
Now, Moses could have responded by saying, what do you mean it's not good? These people need me. And he would have been justified in that response because they did need him. Their needs were real, and he was making a difference.
He was capable. The work mattered. But Jethro still said this isn't good.
Now, why did he do that? He tells Moses, and this is the really important part, you're going to wear yourself out. In other words, a legitimate need plus your ability to meet it does not automatically make saying yes the wise choice. Moses was a phenomenal leader, but he hadn't yet learned the appropriate role of delegation, of setting boundaries, and of saying no.
Now, that might be one of the most important lessons in this entire episode. People who are capable can justify almost anything by saying, well, I know I can do it, and I would do it well. Well, of course you can.
That's how come you're in this mess. You can do a lot of things, and you can do them well. But the question isn't always can I? It's is it wise? Jethro tells Moses to teach the people what they need to know, and then to choose capable people who can share the responsibility.
So, in other words, he's saying let them handle the ordinary matters so, Moses, you can deal with the things that specifically and uniquely require your attention. I love that. Jethro doesn't diminish the motivation Moses feels.
He doesn't in any way imply that Moses is a bad leader. Jethro helps Moses create a wiser structure for being a leader. Sometimes we think our only two choices are I'll take care of it, or I don't care.
How crazy is that? But sometimes that's the trap we fall into. But there is a third choice. I care, and I recognize that I do not have to handle everything I care about.
That, my friend, is wisdom. And some of you need to hear that today. It's something I regularly discuss with many of my coaching clients.
You can care about the problem without owning the problem, and you can care about the person without becoming responsible for the person. And sometimes the wisest thing you can do is to help another capable person step forward instead. In fact, if Moses had continued doing everything himself, he wouldn't simply have exhausted himself.
He also would have prevented other leaders from leading. When you just right away step in because you can handle something, or because somebody knows you can handle it, and so with big old puppy dog eyes they ask you to, you might not simply be taking on too much. It's also possible that you'll be taking away someone else's opportunity to grow, and to learn, and to lead, and to discover that they are also capable.
(16:06 - 17:53)
Perhaps the question isn't, does somebody need this? The need might be obvious, but I think a better question is, am I the wisest person to meet this need? Underneath our over-availability, our over-functioning, there's often a question we don't realize we're asking. It's, who will I be if I don't do it? Will I be a good person? Will I be a good Christian, a good leader, a good parent, or spouse, or friend, etc.? And then that question kind of extends into our reputation or our relationships. Will they think I'm dependable? Will they talk about me behind my back and say that I've become selfish? Or will they say I've changed? And let's just be real, yes, sometimes the answer to that question is, yes, they might, because you are changing.
You are becoming more intentional about where your life goes. People who benefited from your lack of boundaries will no doubt notice your new boundaries, but that doesn't mean that the boundaries are wrong. In fact, it might mean you're on the right track.
Sometimes what feels like guilt is really just the discomfort of behaving differently. This is something that I certainly wish I had known a long time ago when my children were teenagers. I had one particular congregation in which some of the bigger, most important activities of the church resulted in nobody stepping up to volunteer.
(17:54 - 21:02)
And it was a situation where I, as pastor, could not possibly do all of the roles and all of the functioning myself. And so my teenage children, absolutely adorable and very loving to me, would step up to the plate. That was a mistake.
I wish I had known then and had the courage to say to the congregation, if this is really important to you, then you will not count on my children consistently taking up the slack because you can't find time. And I wouldn't have said it in an unkind way, but you get the idea. I wish I had had the courage to withstand their discomfort when telling them the truth.
Sometimes we're so worried and feel so guilty about other people's discomfort that we over-function. We do things we know we shouldn't. We do things that are not wise simply because we don't want to have to deal with their discomfort, and especially if their discomfort is aimed at us.
But let me tell you something, beloved. You can disappoint someone and still love them. And you can say no and still be generous.
And you can be unavailable and still be reliable. So let's separate those two words. Reliable means that when I make a commitment, you can trust me to honor it.
But available means I have the capacity and the time to take something on. Sometimes saying no is exactly what allows you to remain reliable. Think about that for a minute.
Sometimes saying no is what allows you to remain reliable. Every time you say yes to something, eventually your yes stops meaning very much because you get overwhelmed. You become late or distracted or exhausted.
At some point, you're going to start dropping things. You might be physically present in one place while mentally trying to manage three others. You say yes because you don't want to disappoint someone now, but then you're going to disappoint them later because you never really had the capacity to follow through in the first place.
Or because you follow through with a specific task, but you so deplete yourself, your energy, your health, your immediate relationships that mean so much that you've created a bigger problem than the one you solved. A thoughtful no can be more honorable than a resentful yes. And a clear boundary can be more loving than an exhausted promise.
(21:02 - 24:42)
This is where the spirit-led strategist in me wants to challenge you. Strategy isn't simply deciding what you'll do. Strategy is also deciding what you will not do so that what matters has room to flourish.
And wisdom asks a different question from capability. Capability asks, can I do this? And wisdom asks, should I? If you're a highly capable person, and I suspect you are, or you wouldn't be listening to Goals in Grace, then learning to ask the second question might absolutely change your life. Every yes costs something, as we've talked about before.
But today I want you to think specifically about access. Who has access to your attention, to your calendar and your emotional energy? Who has access to your evenings and weekends? And who can reach you by phone and get an immediate response? As I suspect you already know, accessibility has a cost. Years ago, if someone wanted you after work, they had to call your house.
But now they can text you, or email you, or message you. They can send something through social media. And if push comes to shove, they could call you and even leave a voicemail.
But if you don't respond to any of those, they'll send you another message saying, did you see my message? Yes, you saw the message. That's how phones work. The technology designed to make communication easier has also created an expectation that access should be immediate.
One of the most challenging things that I taught my staff, that if something was after hours and it was truly an emergency, then absolutely call me. Don't text, call me. But if something wasn't an absolute emergency, could wait until the next business day, or that they had the authority and the ability to handle themselves, they did not need to touch base with me.
So anybody in an emergency, a member of the church or the staff, could get a hold of me in an emergency. Beyond that, if it could wait until the next day, it needed to wait until the next day. Because otherwise, I was shortchanging the people I was spending time with after work.
Nine times out of ten, it was husband and or husband and my kids. You do not have to answer every question the moment it arrives. And you don't have to treat every notification like a summons.
You don't have to be available simply because technology has made you reachable. And let me tell you what happened. Although my staff and members of the congregation were a little bit annoyed with me at the very beginning, they quickly settled in to a beautiful and healthy boundary.
I did still get emergency phone calls that I was more than happy to respond to. But the interruptions that didn't need to be interruptions stopped. And I had staff members who stepped up to the plate in a way that I don't think they would have if they could have gotten me to make the decisions for them.
(24:43 - 27:17)
So, how do you know whether this is happening? Well, let me give you three signs. You know you're becoming too available with... One. Available for preventing other people's disappointment.
In other words, you find yourself saying yes primarily because you don't want somebody else to be upset. You cannot build a meaningful life around the goal of making sure nobody is ever unhappy or disappointed in you. Every meaningful priority will eventually disappoint someone who wanted something else from you.
Sometimes you feel a profound sense of responsibility to the team, to the project. And so you allow your plate to become overfilled so that the program project will be successful. And you're willing to allow yourself not to take care of the things that really matter to you in order to spare the reality that the team was either ill-prepared, ill-equipped, or unwilling to do what they should have done.
Kind of like me with that congregation. Number three. The things most important to you are always getting your leftovers.
Are there things that matter to you that consistently receive the back burner treatment because you're busy solving other people's responsibilities? Here's your spirit-led strategist question for the week. Is this really mine to carry or am I carrying it because I'm afraid of what happens if I don't? Here's today's practical move. Notice one thing that's on your calendar.
Just one responsibility or expectation or maybe even access. A form of access that has become automatic. And ask yourself these three questions.
Did I consciously choose this responsibility or did I simply inherit it? Am I the only person who can do this or am I the person most accustomed to doing it? And third, is continuing to do this wise? And that's it. If this episode made you think of someone who's also the reliable one, then I hope you'll send this episode to them. And if you're saying, you know what Juliet, I know that people go farther faster when they have help.
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If you would like for me to be a part of that solution and setting healthier boundaries, then schedule your free coaching call today. The link will be in the show notes. Until next time, my friend, may God bless you with goals and grace.
(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)
